silent anxiety of control freak

Ever have one of those days where you feel as if you should be doing something to move along some aspect of your life? Like you know exactly where you need to be and what you need to do to get there but even though you have the will and gumption to do it, you have to wait for timing? Because of that requirement of timing, you feel as if you're not in control? I mean nothing is really standing in your way, you just have to wait for the train to get to you. But you have these nervous butterflies in your stomach and fear as if you don't move faster towards it, you might miss the opportunity? Your mind says, you have to wait for it. You agree whole-heartedly but there's something inside of you that causes you to try to find a way to make it happen NOW. WTF?! You know you would be ready even if it did happen at that instant, but you want it to happen nonetheless.

So you hold it inside and your brain is shuffling at light speed and you can't focus on anything. And all the while this is going on inside, you have this quietness on the outside. Nobody knows that chaos that's happening inside because you can't seem to control your anxiety. And you only have anxiety because you can't control time. WTF!? You try to find other things to occupy you and try to refocus but that ends up being a battle in itself. You finally relax not because you've conquered the anxiety but because your body is tired and you drift off into exhaust induced sleep. Only to wake youself up again with this growing hole inside that anxiety is still eating away at.

Psychosis. It's just the ever so quiet anxiety trip of a control freak.