depressed

I'm depressed! Yes, I said the big 'D' word... I'm depressed.

I feel like a worthless waste of space. I feel horrible most every day. If someone asks me how I am, I tell them I'm fine; when really...not to deep inside.

I lie awake in bed, thinking thoughts unintentionally...intense and upsetting thoughts, and believe me, they’re not the most comforting thoughts to fall asleep to. The worst thing about it is that there’s nothing I can do about it. I try to think happy thoughts, I really do. But I keep coming back to the same thoughts each and ever day. I'm hardly eating, often crying, and not sleeping because I'm afraid to fall asleep. I wont let myself go there because I know once I do, all the bad dreams will start again.

Lately, I've been having a lot of dreams from the past... specifically dealing with my mom. (God I miss her!) And I understand that this is likely because 8 years ago, I was watching her go through the exact same thing that I am now dealing with. I can't do it! :-( I feel so alone through it all... and I know I'm not, because I have great relatives and friends. but just don't think I can do it!
:-( I can't imagine myself making it through...I keep imagining myself giving up and losing this battle, and it scares me,,,But how do I stop doing this?